a self-portrait for clarity in 2026
i don't have a proper self-portrait last year. (no, this one doesn't count.) so i have to do something about that. for this year, of course.
was this supposed to be a birthday portrait for last year's? who knows. maybe. what i do know is that it happens to fit into the themes that i want to focus on this year. and oh boy, do i need something to focus on after a wild ride from the first three months of 2026.
going into the year, i was anticipating small changes (building my art career while having a day job) that would gradually transition into big changes (resigning from day job to pursue art full-time) for 2027.1 that was the plan. i definitely haven't taken into account that i would be making those big changes a year ahead. i was caught off guard a bit. there were a lot to take into consideration, which involved a lot of planning, a lot of reflecting, and a lot of crying.2
existential crises aside (yes, plural), i know there will be a lot more to look forward to.
ready, set, go! ⋆˚࿔
an artist friend told me that this one looks like a google doodle and i love that...
i have complicated feelings towards my appearance, which i tried to address by drawing myself throughout the years in various forms. i think reaching this point of accuracy is a win! granted, i still have moments of obsessively checking my weight, but there are less hostile feelings involved in general.
this year's theme is clarity. i want to be clear about where i want to be, and how i can get there from where i am currently. i'm at the stage where i'm fumbling around, and it doesn't feel good. it feels even worse to admit it. but! making the first few steps is always a good thing, as long as i keep making those steps moving forward.
the text basically means that i abruptly moved to krita mid-sketch from csp
i'm not yet comfortable talking about my actual situation, so i'll just talk about one specific thing: changing art programs. as you may or may not know, i am primarily a digital artist. for the past 5 years, i drew illustrations using clip studio paint (csp). i loved it!!! my workflow? seamless. it was also a big factor that i loved the custom brushes that are available for it.
and then on february 2026, i was forced to stop due to the consequences of piracy. i can't justify legally acquiring the version i wanted when it costs more than my monthly income. so there goes that plan.
and so i scrambled looking for an alternative: krita. it's open source AND free, which are two very important points in its favor. i tried using it on and off over the years, but i kept going back to csp (at the time, krita was unbearably laggy on my laptop). now that krita runs smoother now (and i found brushes that i enjoy using), i figured i'd give it a chance.
let's talk about the art ⋆˚࿔
there's a couple of personal symbols in this piece. feel free to make your own interpretation before reading this part!
- me and my telescope vs clouds
it's me trying to find my way through a sea of clouds, aka uncertainty! i don't know what i'm doing sometimes. i find that it's easier for me to depend on gaining momentum, which meant i keep moving until i crash. this time, i might benefit more from allowing myself to pause.
- phases of the moon
a reminder to myself that these struggles are just a phase, and will always pass in time. there were moments when it feels like there are only dark times ahead, but it helps to reframe those as opportunities for change and growth.
- a couple of stars
things that are important to me!! things that keep me sane!! things i need to remind myself over and over before i give in to despair???
- a window
it is a literal window of opportunity! february and march were on to some very interesting opportunities. not much to say about them yet, except for the fact that i'm always grateful for the reminder that i am valued in ways that i don't always recognize.
perhaps this was the subconscious goal of this piece all along: to remind myself that the life i'm living is just as valuable as the life that i'm building towards. i may not know how this year will turn out, but i can at least try in guiding it.